SWEET DREAMS-28

I sometimes forget that my 22 year old daughter, is in a similar situation as I, as far as her biological father is concerned. There is one big difference---I know who her father is but, she has never met him and she is naturally curious about him. In 1986 after my adoptive Mom died, I moved to Albuquerque, New Mexico for several months. Back in the 80's I had loads of pen pals. Anyway,I had a pen pal friend that lived in Albuquerque. She made her living as a Tarot Card Reader. She was actually very good at this, she did make some startling predictions concerning my life. I shared a motel room with her for a few weeks, until she kept making passes at me. She was gay and she kept telling me that I would never have any luck as far as men were concerned but, I was not buying it. She and her girlfriend would argue and put me smack in the middle of their disagreements. It became overwhelming, so when I landed a job as a dancer at a topless bar, I moved into my own motel room. She had predicted my adoptive father's death and the birth of my 22 year old daughter. My adoptive Dad passed away six months after my adoptive Mom died. They had been married 63 years. I couldn't comprehend being married to someone for that long, because of the losers that I kept getting involved with. Anyway, one Sunday evening this really attractive mexican guy came into the bar...he kept giving me tips and winking at me. He stayed until closing, to this day I do not know why I trusted him to give me a ride home but, I did. He did not try anything, he dropped me off at my room and said goodnight. He had this really cool chevy impala with hydraulics,Cool Rims, it was a really tight ride. He became a regular customer after that night and we started talking a lot. He seemed like a really nice guy....I had no idea that he had secrets. One night after work, he asked me to go over to his place for a drink and I agreed. He claimed that he lived with his older brother of whom was a truck driver and was rarely at home. When we arrived at his apartment, it was so unorganized that I asked him why? His reply was "We are moving into a house." I was like O.K.....We had a couple of drinks and he took me back to my room. He had started picking me up during his off days (he was a construction worker) and driving me through the beautiful mountains of Albuquerque. We were beginning to spend a lot of time together, one night I agreed to let him sleep over. We did not sleep together,I wanted to take things slow this time and not rush into a relationship. Anyway, the next morning after he left for work, there was a knock on my room door. When I answered it, there was this kind of heavyset 20 something mexican woman asking me can she come in and talk to me. She also had three beautiful little girls with her from age 3 to 5. I was speechless more or less and she did all of the talking and boy did she talk! She told me that my trusted male friend was her longtime boyfriend and these little girls were his. And I also discovered that the apartment that he previously took me to for drinks was really their apartment together and she had recently moved out. I also discovered that her father owned the construction company that he worked for. I don't know why but, for whatever reason he called me, right in the middle of my visit with his girlfriend. Once he realized that she was there with me, he was off the phone and at my door. When I opened the door for him, I did not get a chance to say anything, they began arguing in spanish and I could not understand what was being said. They literally scared their children to tears. The motel manager came down to my room because they were so loud. The police were called and they were all removed from my room. I did not know at this point whether to laugh or cry. I was numb. I had just lost my adoptive Mom, I had cared for her until she died, a very horrible death, I had prior to that broke up with an abusive boyfriend and prior to that I had lost custody of my three children and had nearly committed suicide. So, I was numb. I went out and got myself a drink and went back to my room. He kept calling me and knocking on my door, but I ignored the phone and the door. It was my night off so, I could get drunk and climb in bed and that is exactly what I did. But, this guy was not a quiet and after a few days, I finally agreed to talk to him. He told me that he and his girlfriend had already broken up before he met me and that she was trying to prevent him from seeing me. He took me over to his older brother's house and to a bedroom that apparently held his belongings. I still did not know quite what to think. I did finally meet his older brother however, of whom I discovered really was a truck driver. So, I finally gave him the benefit of doubt. We kept on seeing each other but, I would not allow intimacy between us yet. Well, after being in Albuquerque for about six months I received a long distance phone call at 4:00 a.m., it was my ex boyfriend/friend and he was calling to tell me that my adoptive Dad had just passed away. I was crushed. I called my male friend and he came over and sat with me and held me. I don't know what I would have done without him. I didn't have any real friends in Albuquerque. I would laugh and joke with the girls at work but, other than that, there wasn't anyone. My one(gay) friend,I didn't see anymore. Well, anyway the following night, my male friend brought beer and Tequila over and I got pretty plastered,I tried to drink my overwhelming grief away because now I WAS TRULY ALONE. But, my male friend was there for me,( my 22 year old daughter's father) because this is the night that she was conceived. I finally made love with my male friend.....and even though I would move back to my hometown in Illinois and we would eventually lose touch with each other, my daughter was born nine months later. Her father had proposed to me and I have often wondered what my life would have been like if I had accepted his marriage proposal. But, instead I would go on to abusive relationships, instead, once again.