SWEET DREAMS--My Best Friend 10---In search of......

I can't even remember exactly when my bridge came in and the dentist placed the replacement in my mouth because by this time I began to see the abusive side of my boyfriend, he now wanted to physically abuse me too.I can remember one particular time when he had slapped me hard across my face and I immediately grabbed a nearby large glass ashtray and smashed him across the back of the head with it.I was tired of being a punching bag for abusive men.He staggered his way out of my apartment and I ran and locked my door.I started avoiding him and had no desire to see him.I was so deeply hurt and depressed, how could he turn on me like that? I wondered over and over again.I had confided in him and he had heard first hand the abuse that I had suffered at the hands of my abusive husband.I felt as if I had no where to turn.My adoptive parents were up in age and my adoptive Mom had Alzheimer's of which was progressing kind of rapidly now.So New Year's Eve of 1982 I decide to visit my Mother-In-Law and yes this was a VERY BAD IDEA and I guess deep down inside I knew it was, but I had felt so desperately alone at the time.Anyway my abusive husband came home to his Mom's while I was there.I been sitting there drinking with my Mother-In-Law for awhile and she had feel asleep on me.So my abusive husband and I started talking and the conversation immediately turned violent and I screamed but my Mother-In-Law who was asleep on the couch did not wake-up.My abusive husband grabbed me and placed his hand over my mouth dragging me into his Mom's bedroom around the corner.He threw me down on his Mom's bed and raped me, I kept screaming but there was no help.I dug my long fingernails into my abusive husband's face right near that horrible scar he now had from that liquor bottle being smashed into his face.Despite the intense pain from my fingernails into his face,he remained on me until he reached his digusting peak,then he finally jumped off of me and looked in the mirror that was on his Mom's dresser.He became extremely angry as he now saw what damage I had done to his face with my nails.There was some kind of a bottle sitting on his Mom's dresser and he picked it up and broke it.He now had a sharp piece of glass in is hands and told me that he was going to cut my ________face up for what I had done.I let out a bloody murder scream and finally my Mother-In-Law awoke and came rushing in yelling "Boy what are you doing???Put that glass down!!!.She saved my face from being carved up,but I found myself wondering if she really slept through my whole ordeal.At that time I had some serious doubts.Anyway I bundled my children up and took a taxi back to my apartment where I should have remained that entire evening.Now my abusive husband was also a rapist.I was sick to my stomach and felt like there was some kind of a curse on me.I felt so ashamed and dirty and couldn't understand why I had put myself in such a position.I was convinced that I was cursed.What other reason could there be for my life being such a trainwreck.A few weeks after my abusive husband had forced himself on me I found out that I was pregnant for a third time by this man that I depised.My boyfriend had told me when we first started seeing each other that he was sterile from a childhood disease.But,then later he claimed that he had lied and wanted to claim my baby as his,once he found out that I was pregnant.I was honest with him and told him what had happened at my Mother-In-Law's house on New Year's eve but he didn't care,he wanted my baby to be his.He had promised to never hit me again and I knew that it was a lie but I wanted to believe him.I had not seen Bernice for awhile now and didn't know how she was doing.Our daughter's had been born a few months apart.I had another childhood friend that had been in an relationship with my abusive husband's brother for year's and she was now having an affair with his best friend.My abusive husband's brother was also an abusive man.But anyway I had no one to turn to for support and I was still suffering from depression and not yet being treated for it.I guess that I've blocked out a lot of memories from back then because they are just too painful.....